Grieving

Grieving I knew I would eventually get to this subject of importance, I just didn’t think it would be right now. I actually started a completely different blog on Friday, before I knew how the Aurora Shooting would alter my life. I felt that addressing this subject was a little more important for so many at this time and it is not easy. Grief is not something that you can speed up or discount the importance of, yet so many people need help through this every day and is by far one of toughest things that I have ever had to face in my life.

 Sometimes grief will mask itself as other things such as anger or frustration versus recognizing you are sad or that life is simply not the same. I remember days of waking up, getting ready for work and then suddenly being angry and not even at anything in particular just an overall overwhelming anger at where my life had taken me. I am not going to lie; those days were hard and often lonely. It took me some time to realize that grief is a process that you cannot put off, replace, speed up or take for granted. It is simply its own step in your road to getting your life back.

 I didn’t accept this just as I didn’t accept a lot of things. I didn’t want to recognize that despite leaving my ex husband and actually subjecting myself to a constant barrage of emotional attacks from him I was still grieving. After relocating and starting a new life I was still grieving. I didn’t come to terms with this for a long time and one day it hit me, it wasn’t that I was grieving for the loss of him but instead that I was grieving for what I had hoped for 10 years before. I had still lost. I had lost a person I had one day hoped would be the person I spend the rest of my days with, the person I relied on to be my rock, the person who was supposed to love me unconditionally.

 As I sit here today and re-visit the feeling of grief I at least know that recognizing and accepting your pain is the biggest and hardest step. Denying myself the proper time and process led me to places that only put me further away from a feeling of peace and comfort. I had to find a way to let go of a lack of understanding as to why certain things happen in your life, I had to welcome the pain that I didn’t want to feel and I had to make the decision that it was not where I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

 Living in the pain and working through it from a place of acceptance are two totally different things. Find your place of acceptance so that you may find comfort.

 This blog is dedicated to Rebecca Wingo, my friend who was lost in the Aurora shooting. Rebecca was a beautiful, vivacious, caring, honest and loving mother. Many will miss her. I love you Rebecca!