A Beautiful Life

I have always had many thoughts on life but one of my personal favorites that really seems to reflect my travels is and my feelings tonight is; "Life is many things, we can not know how beautiful and joyous it truly is without feeling pain and sorrow." This self written quote holds very true today for I have lost but I have also seen what joy a person can bring to so many lives. As I met with some I knew and others I hadn't before I wondered at what point in time our paths, if ever, would have crossed. It seems that the power of one single person had led us all to be in that single place to be together as one. I have been gifted with the friendship of so many more wonderful people that are so amazing. This made me think about how life has a way of working it's magic, sometimes without us ever really knowing it. Not only did we have her presence among us for a short time but we will also have the continuation of that gift forever in the bonds that we made together.

 I know that I will never be the same after tonight. I have lost and will feel that emptiness inside forever but I will also fell that there was some splendid plan behind it all. If this has taught me one thing alone it would be that the immense love and appreciation we should have for every single person we meet every day. If we can say only one thing that it be I love you and if only one expression a warm, inviting, and genuine smile. I will go on from here making my mark with each and every life I have been graced with today. I will ive to the fullest, never hold back, smile like I mean it, give beyond measure and never have any regrets! I ask that you do the same.

Dark Times

I hope the title doesn't deceive to many. I really want to just state that there are these times that seem dark and the feeling you have no ability to pass through them but you will. I have a simple wish today and that is simply to make it through. I have lost some one that I hold dear and not that I have never suffered any type of loss before, I have it's just that this was a sudden, unexpected and tragic taking of a life that I will never forget. 

I have always been able to later look back at every single event in my life and see that something good had come from it. This is not the case now although I am sure that one day I will see it. I will know along with many others though it is tragic that this is also our opportunity to create a legacy for the one we have lost. We can honor their memory and wishes and in that place they will live on forever. After today comes to an end I will look for that place to honor and dedicate, for in my heart I know that is what she would have wanted.

Grieving

Grieving I knew I would eventually get to this subject of importance, I just didn’t think it would be right now. I actually started a completely different blog on Friday, before I knew how the Aurora Shooting would alter my life. I felt that addressing this subject was a little more important for so many at this time and it is not easy. Grief is not something that you can speed up or discount the importance of, yet so many people need help through this every day and is by far one of toughest things that I have ever had to face in my life.

 Sometimes grief will mask itself as other things such as anger or frustration versus recognizing you are sad or that life is simply not the same. I remember days of waking up, getting ready for work and then suddenly being angry and not even at anything in particular just an overall overwhelming anger at where my life had taken me. I am not going to lie; those days were hard and often lonely. It took me some time to realize that grief is a process that you cannot put off, replace, speed up or take for granted. It is simply its own step in your road to getting your life back.

 I didn’t accept this just as I didn’t accept a lot of things. I didn’t want to recognize that despite leaving my ex husband and actually subjecting myself to a constant barrage of emotional attacks from him I was still grieving. After relocating and starting a new life I was still grieving. I didn’t come to terms with this for a long time and one day it hit me, it wasn’t that I was grieving for the loss of him but instead that I was grieving for what I had hoped for 10 years before. I had still lost. I had lost a person I had one day hoped would be the person I spend the rest of my days with, the person I relied on to be my rock, the person who was supposed to love me unconditionally.

 As I sit here today and re-visit the feeling of grief I at least know that recognizing and accepting your pain is the biggest and hardest step. Denying myself the proper time and process led me to places that only put me further away from a feeling of peace and comfort. I had to find a way to let go of a lack of understanding as to why certain things happen in your life, I had to welcome the pain that I didn’t want to feel and I had to make the decision that it was not where I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

 Living in the pain and working through it from a place of acceptance are two totally different things. Find your place of acceptance so that you may find comfort.

 This blog is dedicated to Rebecca Wingo, my friend who was lost in the Aurora shooting. Rebecca was a beautiful, vivacious, caring, honest and loving mother. Many will miss her. I love you Rebecca!

Admitting When You Are Wrong

I have always been remarkably stubborn, all my life. This is why I now look back at parts of my life and completely scratch my head. I knew that everything had to be one way and one way only, I didn’t give up easy and when I knew I was right that was it. I still struggle occasionally trying to make sense of the times that I let that stubbornness go, I only now see that I was still being stubborn it just wasn’t in the way I should have been.

 As I head to a new journey in my life that unlike before I am actually right! The last time I began a journey as a wife I was wrong, all wrong but I could never admit it, nor could I let the naysayers win, ever. I was determined to make a “perfect” life no matter what because unlike before I wasn’t going to admit defeat. I was “right” for almost 10 years; I didn’t give in no matter what. It wasn’t until one night that I realized something had to give. I needed to admit that I was wrong, because indeed I was. I was wrong about a lot, accepting apologies, putting on a smile, saying it would be ok, not deserving better and most of all believing lies. 

The words “it will never happen again” seem sincere enough and perhaps at the time they are but in my case, as so many others it just isn’t true. So those words rang through my head one night as I held my son in our living room. The officer had to repeat himself before my already tear swollen face welled up again, trying to hold back more, “Has this happened before?” still trying to process the situation and all that had happened I managed to utter “yes”. The officer shook his head, “What are you waiting for, him to kill you?” I managed to answer “No” and the officer replied “You got lucky tonight, end of story. What about your son?” Shaking and crying I admit I need help, I have no one and don’t know what to do. As much as I had resisted it was time to admit that I was wrong. I believed in someone who stole my trust, daily.

The "Escape"

As I was driving yesterday I saw a Ford Escape and it brought back a memory of one of the greatest decisions of my life. I now find it completely ironic that the rental car I secured that day was indeed a Ford Escape, because in my eyes that is exactly what I was doing. I was escaping a life that was suppressing me in so many ways and went in search of something better.

I packed that Escape to the max put my son in the front seat, the only room left, and headed west. I feel like every place I had been yet in my life was no comparison to where it was going and in my heart I knew right where I was supposed to be. I was scared of the unknown but knew without a doubt that anything was better than what I was leaving behind.

Since that day I have changed in ways I never thought, battled myself and others and then finally realized that changing my location was just the first step in moving on with my life. I had work to do! I had the determination and desire to make a better life and I am still working, only with a different outlook than ever before and trusting like I never thought I would.

My story of the days before my "Escape" will follow and for anyone who has ever feared, ever doubted their strength to overcome stay tuned!

~W

The Beginning of our Great Adventure