Finding Joy

Sorry, this post is not about finding a girl named Joy, but instead about how I stepped back and reflected a bit at the end of the day and found mine.  For those who don’t know this has been a tough road for the past couple of months, the passing of a good friend, the feeling of loss that left me feeling alone and then, in my frustrations, fractured both of my legs. Whoa! Right? Challenging to say the very least but I am back to being almost as good as new. But I have still found it difficult to get myself back to being the same grateful person that I usually am, finding something great in everything, regardless of what that may be; you know the silver lining type thing.  

So as I was lying in bed a couple of nights ago and I was thinking of the day and what had happened, just taking it in. Thinking of these events, the good, bad, significant, insignificant and perhaps those that I should have paused and given more thought and appreciation to. Three things came to mind that happened that truly gave me joy that I reflected on and silently thought of each of them as a gift. Even when things are not wonderful and speak to you in a way in which we think perhaps they should maybe that is the time that there is a need to take a look at what it really means to be grateful for simple things. I found the simple things that meant the most to me that day were.

Technology:

I am not meaning for this to be about iPhones or the Internet but just the simple fact that simple technology exist in the first place. Technology for me that day meant that a little secret video with a life contained within could reach me from hundreds of miles away and make me smile for I know that this little life will bring joy after sorrow for someone very close to me. Seeing the picture and knowing in that brief clip that I was lucky enough to receive there was a heartbeat that meant life, health and future. What an amazing thing we take for granted every day.  The excitement shared between two people hundreds of miles away about this image of forming life is nothing I could possibly describe to anyone. I look forward to holding that little boy or girl and knowing that I was one of the very first to know of her arrival into this world and how happy her parents were that she would be joining them in their family.

Lunch:

Anyone who knows me knows I am a foodie of sorts but this is about more than just stuffing my face with some salad and a slice I promise. I have over the years had to learn how to eat alone and enjoy that time for reflection. This however was not one of those days, it was a day that I had a “date” for lunch, a long overdue date at that. Everyone has one or two of those friends that between your two schedules you have a hard time getting together and making time to just sit down and chat, catch up and hear about all of the craziness of life. I was gifted with one of those friends and it was uplifting, truly. My friend smiles with everything inside which in turn causes me to smile from somewhere deep within my soul. It is a friendship like no other I have probably ever known and that I cherish dearly. The laughter, jokes, the things that we can say in front of each other and then joke about more is, well amazing. I left thinking about how tough of a week I had had and how just an hour of small talk, advice giving and cheerleading had made me feel all sparkly. Friends like that are blessings!

Music:

The thing I can probably say I love most in the world, with the exception of real actual people is music. Having a bad day, turn it on and mellow out, need to dance around the room, turn it up and shake your booty, want to recreate a memory find that song and suddenly there you are. Music has magic! I think that everyone has something that tickles their fancy and makes them feel good, whatever that “good” is. It can transport us if we need and this past week it has really helped me. I really appreciate one song in particular by the Temper Trap “Sweet Disposition”. In this song, which I still do not completely understand it talks about reckless abandon, like no one is watching you. I think this is how we should live life and I think this is how we should feel about love. Give everything without caring about what others think, or judging you, just what feels right. This song between the words and the beat of the music just takes me away and reminds me of what I should be doing everyday.

Finding Joy may not be easy but it can be done, I promise. In fact today my day did not start out so easy, kids up late, forgot my purse when I left to run one to school because he missed the bus then realized I was out of gas! Yes, welcome to everything that is me but in that moment I was able to let go of control, realizing I had none, take a deep breath and coast home. The rest of the day I decided to do the exact same thing I had done a few nights ago, find three things and be thankful. My morning started off with the realization that I had really missed the task of taking my son to school every day, so today I told him exactly that and that I loved him just like I did when he was in Elementary as he got out of the car in front of his Middle School. It’s the small things that change your world, if you let them. Take time today and find yours, send the gratefulness back out into the world to circle back to you again.

A Beautiful Life

I have always had many thoughts on life but one of my personal favorites that really seems to reflect my travels is and my feelings tonight is; "Life is many things, we can not know how beautiful and joyous it truly is without feeling pain and sorrow." This self written quote holds very true today for I have lost but I have also seen what joy a person can bring to so many lives. As I met with some I knew and others I hadn't before I wondered at what point in time our paths, if ever, would have crossed. It seems that the power of one single person had led us all to be in that single place to be together as one. I have been gifted with the friendship of so many more wonderful people that are so amazing. This made me think about how life has a way of working it's magic, sometimes without us ever really knowing it. Not only did we have her presence among us for a short time but we will also have the continuation of that gift forever in the bonds that we made together.

 I know that I will never be the same after tonight. I have lost and will feel that emptiness inside forever but I will also fell that there was some splendid plan behind it all. If this has taught me one thing alone it would be that the immense love and appreciation we should have for every single person we meet every day. If we can say only one thing that it be I love you and if only one expression a warm, inviting, and genuine smile. I will go on from here making my mark with each and every life I have been graced with today. I will ive to the fullest, never hold back, smile like I mean it, give beyond measure and never have any regrets! I ask that you do the same.

Dark Times

I hope the title doesn't deceive to many. I really want to just state that there are these times that seem dark and the feeling you have no ability to pass through them but you will. I have a simple wish today and that is simply to make it through. I have lost some one that I hold dear and not that I have never suffered any type of loss before, I have it's just that this was a sudden, unexpected and tragic taking of a life that I will never forget. 

I have always been able to later look back at every single event in my life and see that something good had come from it. This is not the case now although I am sure that one day I will see it. I will know along with many others though it is tragic that this is also our opportunity to create a legacy for the one we have lost. We can honor their memory and wishes and in that place they will live on forever. After today comes to an end I will look for that place to honor and dedicate, for in my heart I know that is what she would have wanted.

Grieving

Grieving I knew I would eventually get to this subject of importance, I just didn’t think it would be right now. I actually started a completely different blog on Friday, before I knew how the Aurora Shooting would alter my life. I felt that addressing this subject was a little more important for so many at this time and it is not easy. Grief is not something that you can speed up or discount the importance of, yet so many people need help through this every day and is by far one of toughest things that I have ever had to face in my life.

 Sometimes grief will mask itself as other things such as anger or frustration versus recognizing you are sad or that life is simply not the same. I remember days of waking up, getting ready for work and then suddenly being angry and not even at anything in particular just an overall overwhelming anger at where my life had taken me. I am not going to lie; those days were hard and often lonely. It took me some time to realize that grief is a process that you cannot put off, replace, speed up or take for granted. It is simply its own step in your road to getting your life back.

 I didn’t accept this just as I didn’t accept a lot of things. I didn’t want to recognize that despite leaving my ex husband and actually subjecting myself to a constant barrage of emotional attacks from him I was still grieving. After relocating and starting a new life I was still grieving. I didn’t come to terms with this for a long time and one day it hit me, it wasn’t that I was grieving for the loss of him but instead that I was grieving for what I had hoped for 10 years before. I had still lost. I had lost a person I had one day hoped would be the person I spend the rest of my days with, the person I relied on to be my rock, the person who was supposed to love me unconditionally.

 As I sit here today and re-visit the feeling of grief I at least know that recognizing and accepting your pain is the biggest and hardest step. Denying myself the proper time and process led me to places that only put me further away from a feeling of peace and comfort. I had to find a way to let go of a lack of understanding as to why certain things happen in your life, I had to welcome the pain that I didn’t want to feel and I had to make the decision that it was not where I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

 Living in the pain and working through it from a place of acceptance are two totally different things. Find your place of acceptance so that you may find comfort.

 This blog is dedicated to Rebecca Wingo, my friend who was lost in the Aurora shooting. Rebecca was a beautiful, vivacious, caring, honest and loving mother. Many will miss her. I love you Rebecca!

Admitting When You Are Wrong

I have always been remarkably stubborn, all my life. This is why I now look back at parts of my life and completely scratch my head. I knew that everything had to be one way and one way only, I didn’t give up easy and when I knew I was right that was it. I still struggle occasionally trying to make sense of the times that I let that stubbornness go, I only now see that I was still being stubborn it just wasn’t in the way I should have been.

 As I head to a new journey in my life that unlike before I am actually right! The last time I began a journey as a wife I was wrong, all wrong but I could never admit it, nor could I let the naysayers win, ever. I was determined to make a “perfect” life no matter what because unlike before I wasn’t going to admit defeat. I was “right” for almost 10 years; I didn’t give in no matter what. It wasn’t until one night that I realized something had to give. I needed to admit that I was wrong, because indeed I was. I was wrong about a lot, accepting apologies, putting on a smile, saying it would be ok, not deserving better and most of all believing lies. 

The words “it will never happen again” seem sincere enough and perhaps at the time they are but in my case, as so many others it just isn’t true. So those words rang through my head one night as I held my son in our living room. The officer had to repeat himself before my already tear swollen face welled up again, trying to hold back more, “Has this happened before?” still trying to process the situation and all that had happened I managed to utter “yes”. The officer shook his head, “What are you waiting for, him to kill you?” I managed to answer “No” and the officer replied “You got lucky tonight, end of story. What about your son?” Shaking and crying I admit I need help, I have no one and don’t know what to do. As much as I had resisted it was time to admit that I was wrong. I believed in someone who stole my trust, daily.

The "Escape"

As I was driving yesterday I saw a Ford Escape and it brought back a memory of one of the greatest decisions of my life. I now find it completely ironic that the rental car I secured that day was indeed a Ford Escape, because in my eyes that is exactly what I was doing. I was escaping a life that was suppressing me in so many ways and went in search of something better.

I packed that Escape to the max put my son in the front seat, the only room left, and headed west. I feel like every place I had been yet in my life was no comparison to where it was going and in my heart I knew right where I was supposed to be. I was scared of the unknown but knew without a doubt that anything was better than what I was leaving behind.

Since that day I have changed in ways I never thought, battled myself and others and then finally realized that changing my location was just the first step in moving on with my life. I had work to do! I had the determination and desire to make a better life and I am still working, only with a different outlook than ever before and trusting like I never thought I would.

My story of the days before my "Escape" will follow and for anyone who has ever feared, ever doubted their strength to overcome stay tuned!

~W

The Beginning of our Great Adventure