THE Break-up

Break-up’s are hard. I know I’m stating the most obvious thing in the world and it really doesn’t matter what type of break-up it is. It could be a break-up of a three-year relationship, that blackberry you have been clutching to or the job you thought you loved till you got a pink slip. I know you probably think and maybe even hope that I am going to speak about “the” break up but not today now isn’t the time for that. Instead I am going to refer to a brief mention I made in a previous post a few days ago of my hiatus which is a break-up kids, lets just face it. Speaking of facing something that’s it, Facebook, we are through! Whew, I said it and I feel even better than I have in the past week.

Calm down, I can hear you all from here! I am fine; I have not completely lost it, yet. I have a lot of reasons for breaking up with Facebook and when I say a lot I mean a LOT!!! And I can’t begin to tell you the amount of times this week I have picked up my phone to scroll through my news feed to see what my friends and family are up to and to see nothingness. At first it was like my phone simply became meaningless and useless. This also meant it was time for some serious self-evaluation. Had it really been that long since I was truly alone with my own thoughts? Not that I am a person with a lot of down time frankly I hardly have any time for myself but it’s those 30 seconds while waiting on the microwave or the 5 minutes in the carpool lane that I can feel slightly connected to my family or friends back home. Sometimes it is the positive quote that I needed to see that day or the ranting’s of another mom that make me feel like I am not alone, comforted almost.

But I saw a pattern over the past few months that were developing and it was a little like being bipolar if one could guess what that feels like. Scrolling through my news feed would be joys for a triumph of a friend and then anger or frustration over the antics of another. I came to the conclusion at that time to start hiding those who seemed to always be ranting about something or couldn’t find a filter. Let’s face it as much as I will post something on your status update to help move you along and inspire you I can’t keep getting run over by the same horse. As time went by I slowly kept at it hiding and even “un-friending” a few to help isolate the negative. Then it seemed the dust was starting to settle a little and I took a little vacation, what relief! Of course who goes without something as important as Facebook on vacation? What would we do without sharing the great pictures and talking about the great adventures and of course that we were still alive after an earthquake?

There is always the straw that breaks the camels back, in this case it was a chain of events that led to the break-up.

Number one, my bitchy ex-girlfriends, I know what you are thinking, I just got married. Yes, read it again. Those catty bitches that can’t play nice or act like adults, those girls I used to call my friends. Ladies, read this next sentence carefully and take head! Facebook is not an online 3^rd grade school playground meant for you to learn about social awareness. If lessons are needed please reply and I will be happy to address this at a later date, seriously! You may not friend and un-friend because someone hurt your feelings or tag a million people in your post to get someone else’s attention. And you can’t keep doing things to get a boys attention you just look desperate.

Number two, not everything is meant to be on Facebook. I mean this and most of you don’t know who you are but you are over sharers. I don’t need to know your every thought and I sure don’t want to see every selfie in your bathroom mirror, stop it!

Number three, stalkers! I am not talking about the killer type although honestly I don’t prefer those either but I am talking about the friend of the person you have blocked for a reason who is stalking you. They may not even “know” that’s what they are doing but they are and I have people blocked for a reason, THEY DON'T BELONG. And privacy settings people!!! I have clients who have literally told me they knew everything about the homebuyer or seller from Facebook. Protect yourselves from strangers who could be looking for something more than wanting to know if someone nice is buying their house.

Number four, which should now be number one I have a whole new and less distracted life! Let’s face it Facebook becomes a habit and even when you don’t realize it you pick up your phone and you are scrolling through your newsfeed instead of talking to someone. How effective is that communication style? For me personally and professionally I can tell you it was killing me.

Number five, I saw it on Facebook! You know it’s like a game of telephone when we were little only amplified. If one person sees it and they call another etc. everything just spreads like wildfire. One little non-descript post could take you down! If you work with the public or have children please keep this in mind.

Do I miss it? In a nutshell, yes. I missed out that my forever bachelor cousin got engaged, which is awesome! I was last to know that my sisters dog got hit by a car, that was sad but she is going to be okay. I feel a little less connected and feel like my business might suffer but this is definitely the best decision for me right now. This is a great time for me to take a break and think about what I really want out of life, I am sure it isn’t spending the next 10 minutes mindlessly scrolling through my news feed before getting back to work.

PSA. Some of you also need to get a grip! If you have a joint Facebook account GROW UP! Facebook did not create cheating spouses nor stage 5-clingers merely gave them a more finite avenue in which to pursue such things. If you are or have a cheating spouse or stage 5-clinger figure out how to recognize and run appropriately.

Peace

Making it legal...

It’s not like I haven’t done this before lets be perfectly honest here. I have changed my name a time or maybe even two but it seems that this time around has been a lot more difficult! You know men never have to lift a finger when it comes to getting married or changing their names they just show up and say I do. Us ladies on the other hand have to run a marathon from the day we say yes till at least a few years down the road when we still are tossing the mail from the mailbox thinking to ourselves if they don’t know by now it isn’t important.

The last time I changed my name it was rather simple I showed proof of my name change, in this case my divorce papers and bam everything with the exception of my work assigned email was updated. Sure there were a few loose ends here and there that took a little work and the ones that I really didn’t care about but this time around I really have my work cut out for me. Ladies, really think about this name change business before you lovingly accept to take your husbands last name. I say this in all sincerity, really! This statement comes from my heart because I not only WANT this last name out of love but also because I am getting a super awesome and frankly REAL last name not one that people often confuse for my first name all of the time. Yippee!!!!  With that being said my head still hurts from all of the lists I am continuing to work through to get my name changed not only for personal use but in my professional life as well.

I did ask for help in this matter and thank goodness there are some very helpful resources out there or I may have really been lost. I didn’t however consider that when you have an established career that is splashed from print to the web this could be such a “mess” to clean up but we will get to that later. The obvious first step in actually changing your name would be to file your marriage license so you can say you are married and officially have a new name, right. The tough part is over, you made it down the aisle you survived the stress of the big day, nothing happened to the important piece of paper during that awesome party, good job! Now, don’t run to the office next door to change your driver’s license like an idiot (me) that’s not the “proper” order. The social security office controls everything you see and you must go there first and then wait 24 hours before showing up at the dreaded DMV to make the proper change there. So now you are pretty proud of yourself aren’t you? Plan on traveling after your wedding? Hope you didn’t do any of those if you leave the country or you thought ahead and applied for a new passport with your new name in advance. If not you get to stay, sorry.

Please consider the following items when changing your name, insurance, all of them, doctors, all of them, bills, all of those too! What about professional licenses, business cards, email addresses, post office, bank accounts, credit cards, utility company, mortgage company, beneficiary and wills and other legal documents need to be updated as well. For me personally I will have all of these plus several professional organizations, licensing boards, print and social media outlets that will have to update all of my information. I look forward to the day that I will receive mail in only one name! It truly is the little things in life, I keep saying it and it’s true! Good luck ladies!

So, I've been thinking...

Lucky for most of my friends they will never see this! Seems that something has been rapidly changing inside of me lately, no I'm not expecting. It seems I have become very self aware and several events and changes have taken a course of action that have lead me to a place of revelation so to speak. I thought at first perhaps it was my over reaction, or that I was just losing it, frankly I was starting to get a little concerned a few days ago, really! But I have come to the conclusion, sad but true...all of my friends are crazy!

Now, I don't mean ALL of them but the bulk of them and the close ones that I would call good. This left me wondering how this had happened and what that meant for me. As I evaluated my lonely state and the actions of said crazy friends I thought to myself when did I ever think these actions were okay? Then it dawned on me, I thought these actions were okay or excusable when I was crazy or at least not in the frame of mind I find myself in these days. I call bullshit a lot more often, tell people to get over it. And though I have compassion like no other I will let them know where the buck stops. I mean we all must know at some point in time as adults how to act like one and make the correct and appropriate choices. I am not saying that I can't be your friend because you can't act like an adult occasionally, we ALL make mistakes but when we are calculated masterminds of how we can manipulate others and it becomes a vicious cycle and constant train wreck, no!

This is where this week has come to a head. I have found that surrounding myself by the crazy was no longer not only unhealthy but unacceptable and I would not allow myself to tolerate it in any form. Step number one was taking a hiatus from Facebook, which has been tough but also a huge relief. I miss by normal friends and my family that are far away but the time that I have back every day is amazing! Step number two was deciding to take a couple of days for myself, which I have NEVER done before and I must say I feel amazing! Step three was using that time to really clear my mind and think about what I need and where I want to go from here. I got a lot of work done! I obviously decided no more crazy friends and well maybe I will figure out how to make a few new ones along the way to pursuing the things that truly make me happy.

Peace

Finding Joy

Sorry, this post is not about finding a girl named Joy, but instead about how I stepped back and reflected a bit at the end of the day and found mine.  For those who don’t know this has been a tough road for the past couple of months, the passing of a good friend, the feeling of loss that left me feeling alone and then, in my frustrations, fractured both of my legs. Whoa! Right? Challenging to say the very least but I am back to being almost as good as new. But I have still found it difficult to get myself back to being the same grateful person that I usually am, finding something great in everything, regardless of what that may be; you know the silver lining type thing.  

So as I was lying in bed a couple of nights ago and I was thinking of the day and what had happened, just taking it in. Thinking of these events, the good, bad, significant, insignificant and perhaps those that I should have paused and given more thought and appreciation to. Three things came to mind that happened that truly gave me joy that I reflected on and silently thought of each of them as a gift. Even when things are not wonderful and speak to you in a way in which we think perhaps they should maybe that is the time that there is a need to take a look at what it really means to be grateful for simple things. I found the simple things that meant the most to me that day were.

Technology:

I am not meaning for this to be about iPhones or the Internet but just the simple fact that simple technology exist in the first place. Technology for me that day meant that a little secret video with a life contained within could reach me from hundreds of miles away and make me smile for I know that this little life will bring joy after sorrow for someone very close to me. Seeing the picture and knowing in that brief clip that I was lucky enough to receive there was a heartbeat that meant life, health and future. What an amazing thing we take for granted every day.  The excitement shared between two people hundreds of miles away about this image of forming life is nothing I could possibly describe to anyone. I look forward to holding that little boy or girl and knowing that I was one of the very first to know of her arrival into this world and how happy her parents were that she would be joining them in their family.

Lunch:

Anyone who knows me knows I am a foodie of sorts but this is about more than just stuffing my face with some salad and a slice I promise. I have over the years had to learn how to eat alone and enjoy that time for reflection. This however was not one of those days, it was a day that I had a “date” for lunch, a long overdue date at that. Everyone has one or two of those friends that between your two schedules you have a hard time getting together and making time to just sit down and chat, catch up and hear about all of the craziness of life. I was gifted with one of those friends and it was uplifting, truly. My friend smiles with everything inside which in turn causes me to smile from somewhere deep within my soul. It is a friendship like no other I have probably ever known and that I cherish dearly. The laughter, jokes, the things that we can say in front of each other and then joke about more is, well amazing. I left thinking about how tough of a week I had had and how just an hour of small talk, advice giving and cheerleading had made me feel all sparkly. Friends like that are blessings!

Music:

The thing I can probably say I love most in the world, with the exception of real actual people is music. Having a bad day, turn it on and mellow out, need to dance around the room, turn it up and shake your booty, want to recreate a memory find that song and suddenly there you are. Music has magic! I think that everyone has something that tickles their fancy and makes them feel good, whatever that “good” is. It can transport us if we need and this past week it has really helped me. I really appreciate one song in particular by the Temper Trap “Sweet Disposition”. In this song, which I still do not completely understand it talks about reckless abandon, like no one is watching you. I think this is how we should live life and I think this is how we should feel about love. Give everything without caring about what others think, or judging you, just what feels right. This song between the words and the beat of the music just takes me away and reminds me of what I should be doing everyday.

Finding Joy may not be easy but it can be done, I promise. In fact today my day did not start out so easy, kids up late, forgot my purse when I left to run one to school because he missed the bus then realized I was out of gas! Yes, welcome to everything that is me but in that moment I was able to let go of control, realizing I had none, take a deep breath and coast home. The rest of the day I decided to do the exact same thing I had done a few nights ago, find three things and be thankful. My morning started off with the realization that I had really missed the task of taking my son to school every day, so today I told him exactly that and that I loved him just like I did when he was in Elementary as he got out of the car in front of his Middle School. It’s the small things that change your world, if you let them. Take time today and find yours, send the gratefulness back out into the world to circle back to you again.

A Beautiful Life

I have always had many thoughts on life but one of my personal favorites that really seems to reflect my travels is and my feelings tonight is; "Life is many things, we can not know how beautiful and joyous it truly is without feeling pain and sorrow." This self written quote holds very true today for I have lost but I have also seen what joy a person can bring to so many lives. As I met with some I knew and others I hadn't before I wondered at what point in time our paths, if ever, would have crossed. It seems that the power of one single person had led us all to be in that single place to be together as one. I have been gifted with the friendship of so many more wonderful people that are so amazing. This made me think about how life has a way of working it's magic, sometimes without us ever really knowing it. Not only did we have her presence among us for a short time but we will also have the continuation of that gift forever in the bonds that we made together.

 I know that I will never be the same after tonight. I have lost and will feel that emptiness inside forever but I will also fell that there was some splendid plan behind it all. If this has taught me one thing alone it would be that the immense love and appreciation we should have for every single person we meet every day. If we can say only one thing that it be I love you and if only one expression a warm, inviting, and genuine smile. I will go on from here making my mark with each and every life I have been graced with today. I will ive to the fullest, never hold back, smile like I mean it, give beyond measure and never have any regrets! I ask that you do the same.

Dark Times

I hope the title doesn't deceive to many. I really want to just state that there are these times that seem dark and the feeling you have no ability to pass through them but you will. I have a simple wish today and that is simply to make it through. I have lost some one that I hold dear and not that I have never suffered any type of loss before, I have it's just that this was a sudden, unexpected and tragic taking of a life that I will never forget. 

I have always been able to later look back at every single event in my life and see that something good had come from it. This is not the case now although I am sure that one day I will see it. I will know along with many others though it is tragic that this is also our opportunity to create a legacy for the one we have lost. We can honor their memory and wishes and in that place they will live on forever. After today comes to an end I will look for that place to honor and dedicate, for in my heart I know that is what she would have wanted.

Grieving

Grieving I knew I would eventually get to this subject of importance, I just didn’t think it would be right now. I actually started a completely different blog on Friday, before I knew how the Aurora Shooting would alter my life. I felt that addressing this subject was a little more important for so many at this time and it is not easy. Grief is not something that you can speed up or discount the importance of, yet so many people need help through this every day and is by far one of toughest things that I have ever had to face in my life.

 Sometimes grief will mask itself as other things such as anger or frustration versus recognizing you are sad or that life is simply not the same. I remember days of waking up, getting ready for work and then suddenly being angry and not even at anything in particular just an overall overwhelming anger at where my life had taken me. I am not going to lie; those days were hard and often lonely. It took me some time to realize that grief is a process that you cannot put off, replace, speed up or take for granted. It is simply its own step in your road to getting your life back.

 I didn’t accept this just as I didn’t accept a lot of things. I didn’t want to recognize that despite leaving my ex husband and actually subjecting myself to a constant barrage of emotional attacks from him I was still grieving. After relocating and starting a new life I was still grieving. I didn’t come to terms with this for a long time and one day it hit me, it wasn’t that I was grieving for the loss of him but instead that I was grieving for what I had hoped for 10 years before. I had still lost. I had lost a person I had one day hoped would be the person I spend the rest of my days with, the person I relied on to be my rock, the person who was supposed to love me unconditionally.

 As I sit here today and re-visit the feeling of grief I at least know that recognizing and accepting your pain is the biggest and hardest step. Denying myself the proper time and process led me to places that only put me further away from a feeling of peace and comfort. I had to find a way to let go of a lack of understanding as to why certain things happen in your life, I had to welcome the pain that I didn’t want to feel and I had to make the decision that it was not where I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

 Living in the pain and working through it from a place of acceptance are two totally different things. Find your place of acceptance so that you may find comfort.

 This blog is dedicated to Rebecca Wingo, my friend who was lost in the Aurora shooting. Rebecca was a beautiful, vivacious, caring, honest and loving mother. Many will miss her. I love you Rebecca!